My name is Adrienne Stelly and I am the gal behind @wellfedfamilia and my blog www.wellfedfamilia.com. I love to share about what I’m cooking and my story as a foster and adoptive mom who has gone through infertility and ovarian cancer. My husband and I have one daughter, via foster care and adoption, who is 3.5 years old, and we recently said goodbye to our other two foster babies who were with us for eight months. We are proud Texans currently living in Michigan’s Upper Peninsula. We love exploring outside, adventures, cooking, dance parties, and taking life one day at a time after all the crazy twists and turns we’ve been through.

Fostering and adopting was never a backup plan for my husband and I. When we would dream about having children we dreamed of having a big family made up of adopted, foster, and biological children. So, when we began trying to conceive, and came to the devastating realization that we were infertile, some of our dreams were crushed, but not all of them. One night after a failed cycle of infertility treatment I went onto our back porch and cried for hours, begging God to make my heart ok with whatever His will was for us. The very next day my husband and I had 100% peace and confidence that God was guiding us into our next dream, not our backup option, but something we had always felt a desire to do: foster care.

We lived in San Antonio, TX at the time and through what we can only describe as orchestrated by God, found an agency, got licensed within 3 months, and met our daughter who was placed with our friends at the time. Her placement quickly looked like it would lead to adoption, therefore our agency and the family she was with (who had 5 kids at the time) all agreed she would be placed with us. Now don’t hear me wrong, we were not told we would get to adopt. We were well educated from our training that the goal of foster care is reunification every single time, no matter what, no matter the family history. The system will do its best to exhaust every possibility to keep biological families together. We support this, and we agree, that if possible, that is best. However, our daughter’s foster care journey for many reasons looked like it would likely end in adoption.

Eight months went by with our daughter in our home and in our care and reunification became impossible. Her biological parent’s rights were terminated. This is something we could never celebrate as that is heartbreaking, however we did praise God that she would be safe and secure, and that she was a beautiful miracle that He brought into our lives forever.

If you feel like fostering and/or adopting is something you desire, let me be the first to say that our story of becoming parents through foster care and adoption is rare. Our timeline of getting licensed, the way our daughter was placed with us, and how quickly parental rights were terminated and adoption became a possibility, is almost unheard of. There were plenty of ups and downs, scary moments, so much red tape that had to be crossed, and endless prayers said as it was so very hard to love someone so vulnerably and to be at the mercy of the child welfare system. I wanted to share some tips with y’all that I’ve learned over the years fostering and now having adopted through foster care.

We are ALL called to support foster care. Maybe we aren’t all equipped to be foster parents, but no matter who you are, you are called to support vulnerable children, foster families, bio parents, etc. Maybe that looks like becoming respite certified so that you can babysit foster kids. Becoming respite certified often is just passing a background check, maybe 1-2 hours of training, and in some states being CPR certified. Support could also look like making a meal for a foster family or mentoring a biological parent who needs support. Get in the game and help, it is desperately needed.
It is worth it to fall in love with a child and have to watch them leave your home. The excuse for not fostering that I hear most is “I could never let a child go, it would be too heartbreaking.” Ok well you’re exactly right, it is heartbreaking but think of how unfair and heartbreaking that child’s life has been. If they have to go through whatever it was that lead them into care and then being in your care and then being reunified, you can for sure be brave and strong enough to love them with reckless abandon for the time you get to. As a foster parent I am an adult who has learned how to cope through hard situations and saying goodbye to foster children hurts, but it’s so very worth it knowing that they were safe and loved and forever impacted for however long or short they were in my care.
You will for sure get on an emotional rollercoaster when you choose to foster/adopt. You’re journey fostering will bring you some of your highest highs, lowest lows, biggest wins, and hardest losses. It’s worth every second though. There are twists and forks in the road that sometimes literally change from minute to minute.
If you do get to adopt from foster care, understand that adoption is the child welfare system’s last resort. They will search out every single family member possible even after parental rights are terminated. Sometimes it feels so scary and doesn’t make sense, but that is what you are signing up for.
Sometimes placements don’t work out. Sometimes having a certain child in your home will break you down and bring you to some of your darkest places. It is never their fault, or yours, they are acting through trauma behavior and in turn you take on the trauma as well. Give it your all and stick it out for as long as you can and then realize that the healthiest thing for you and your foster child is to disrupt. It’s hard, it’s emotional, but trust that there is a better placement for them elsewhere. You can still love them and advocate for them. And guess what, you’re still a darn good parent.
Adopting through foster care is not the same as private adoption. If you’re only goal is to adopt you should not become a foster parent. If you’re goal is to love and support a child no matter the outcome, then you should become a foster parent. Private adoption is a very different yet beautiful and emotional way of welcoming a child into your home.
You can root for your child’s biological parents’ wellness and your child’s safety at the same time. No matter how I felt about any of my children’s stories or their bio parents I have chosen to love the bio parents. Maybe I can’t always be in support of the child returning home because of the reality of the situation, but I will support the bio parent as a person. No matter what they’ve done they are still worthy of love, health, wellness, and support. They of course love their child/children deeply even if it isn’t obvious to you and the way you perceive love.

Thank you so much to Adrienne for sharing her family’s beautiful story!

May is Foster Care Awareness Month and we hope this was helpful for everyone to understand more about the foster care system, and that there are truly so many ways for anyone to help, love, and serve these kiddos and their families.

Make sure to head over to Adrienne’s Instagram, @wellfedfamilia, to see more from her!
* All photos were taken by @darasikkila!

Feature Friday: The Truth about Foster Care with Well Fed Familia